The Joy Dilemma: How 'Shoulds' Hold Us Back
Uncover the power of joy in overcoming the 'shoulds' for a rewarding life and a thriving writing career.
Welcome to Author Like a Boss where conscious creativity meets smart marketing. I'm Ella Barnard, your Conscious Author Coach, and I'm so excited to have you join us on this journey. Here, you'll find a blend of actionable insights, mindful practices, and soulful discussions designed to empower you to be the best author-entrepreneur you can be.
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Why can it be so hard to do what brings us joy?
Let's start with a 1-question quiz…
What order do you eat your candy in? Like, if you have a bag of Skittles, which kind of candy eater are you?
A. Save the best for last
B. Your favorite flavor first
C. Handful of mixed flavors
So I've pretty much religiously been a A; I eat my least favorite flavors first and save the best for last.
It wasn't until the first time I got high 🌿 and ate a box of DOTS for munchies that I realized something profound:
I let "should" make way too many of my decisions.
The truth is I really only like 3 flavors of DOTS, but up until that day I always ate ALL the flavors—
Because I thought I should.
Because I thought it would be wasteful not to eat all the candies in the box.
Because I was taught growing up to "waste not, want not."
I don't even like the orange DOTS, but I'd always eat them FIRST!
Interestingly enough, getting high allowed me to by-pass "should," and just let me go for what I love first—the green ones.
Before that moment, I'd had no idea that something as simple as what flavor candy I eat first was being shaped by other people's expectations.
And girl, this happens all the time—
Should you get the haircut you enjoy or the one your mom approves of? Should you get the dinner that you want or that your partner wants? Should you take a nap or fold the clothes?
Should you write the book that brings you joy or the one that readers seem to want?
Even when we know we should lean into the joy, we struggle with it.
We consider others' preferences before our own—"We should get what you want. I'm not that picky."
We compromise when we don't have to—"We should both be happy. I can just take the [mushrooms] off mine."
We think that others' opinions have more value than our own—"I should do what they're doing. I guess I'll write some academy romances."
Oftentimes, we don't even know we're doing it. It's a habitual way of thinking. It's pervasive. And it's dangerous.
Because when we live from "should" we aren't leaning into our joy, and abundance happens when we lean into our joy.
Even though they were presenting on entirely different topics, each speaker at every author conference I’ve been to says the same thing, "You have to do what feels good." "Do what you love." "You have to enjoy it."
I'm seeing the same thing with the authors I coach. They see money and results so much faster when they take action from what I call The Sweet Spot:
The Sweet Spot is where your joy, your readers' joy, and the practical strategies that work... where they overlap.
Your joy is critical to your success.
So even though it can take a lot of work and be really hard...
We have to keep learning to lean into our joy.
What are some ways you lean into joy in your author career? I'd love to hear from you.
One of the things I'm trying is brainstorming plot ideas with friends and authors on zoom. I LOVE the puns, ideas, giggling, and fun that happens when I plot that way so I'm working on integrating it into my process.
I'd love to hear your joyful recommendations! Just leave a comment :)
hugs and happy authoring,
Ella
PS. If getting high isn't your thing, I'm sure there are other things you could try... like meditation, hypnosis, or something else?
PPS. Obviously, I'm not a doctor, therapist, or health professional so experiment at your own risk. :)
"Find out who you are and do it on purpose." – Dolly Parton